Dealing with loss

 

In my last post, I mentioned we've had some good...some bad....  

Well, just a week after returning from Branson, I received news that my Dad had passed away. I was at work on my lunch break when my Aunt called me. The initial blow was horrifying! You never are really prepared to hear things like that....and being 45 minutes from home....I felt so alone! I immediately called Steven and then called my Mom, hoping that someone could erase what I just heard. I wanted so badly to rewind time and tell my Dad all the little things I hadn't said...and at least say "I love you". Unfortunately, that's not how it works....and it is true that God has his own plans for us all.
The next few days I felt numb, sad, and regretful. I honestly kept hoping that it was a really bad joke or that my Dad would call at any minute. I spent 5 days with family that I hadn't spent much time with over the years, meanwhile making all the necessary arrangements for my Dad and his belongings. I quickly became overwhelmed. My Dad's wishes were to be cremated, so leading up to his memorial services was a different experience altogether. I never got to see him...to say "good-bye"... the way you do with a burial....it was like he was just gone!
The week after his services, I had to gather his belongings. Combing over his things was a process in itself. Although our belongings are just "things", when you lose someone, those "things" become the last little tokens you have of that person's life. How do you decide what to keep and what to throw away? Pictures were the most important! Walking into my Dad's house, I realized how proud he was of me and his granddaughters. Everywhere I turned, he had pictures of us! Along with the pictures, I gathered up his wallet, watch, glasses , and a jewelry box he had saved a few mementos in. I also found a sweater I had just given him at Christmas, which smelled like his cologne that was still setting on his dresser. Throughout the week, it became clear what was important not only to me, but also to my Aunts and Uncle that had been left behind. With their  help, along with the help of Steven and family friends, we managed to empty out his house. The last day I made the trip to his house was very hard....knowing I'd never set foot inside his house again....that in a sense, I was saying "good-bye".

At this point, it feels like my Dad is on vacation....that he's somewhere and I just haven't talked to him yet. It's been almost 4 weeks since we've talked and I'm already missing our weekly phone calls. Every day since, I've cherish my moments with my girls and Steven...and thinking about how important family truly is. We should never take for granted the time we are given, as we never know when that moment will end....